Sunday, 20 February 2011

Stay - Be the One

We look at each other wondering what the other is thinking but we never say a thing. The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me. The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall. You say it best when you say nothing at all.  But when I look at you my heart skips a beat but later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have.

So take a look at me now because there's just an empty space. There's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face. It's a fall that i won't get up from and i hope they were right because this is the first time in a long time that i felt out of place. Invincible? I pretend to be. Vulnerable? That's what I truly am. Happiness? Not a part of my vocabulary. Pain...That's all life has to offer. It sometimes feels like a strange movie, you know, it's all so weird that sometimes I wonder if it is really happening.

Saturday, 19 February 2011

I'm broken, when I'm lonesome

 The truth is I do not want to be alone. I am completely dependent and needy. I'm afraid, I’m scared. I'm lost. My body remains same on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the same way: racing heart, stomach plunging, chest tightness, shortness of breath, lump in throat and brain concentrate on one thing only. Stay nervous all the time, sensitive to the verge of tears, preventing myself to feel happy.                                                                     I'm so tired but I can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much too deep. Funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word, I am screaming inside but can't be heard.                                                                    
Wish I did not know what I'm talking about, but unfortunately I know it too well.  How many fights at home, waste of opportunities, cold in the stomach, smiles and tears. You end up living two lives, one of the Internet and non-virtual, in the end MSN and Facebook are real, not school nor friends. 

Concern Fear

Not that i am the best friend to the world, but tried. Tired of doing everything for someone and not having at least consideration in return. Tired of hearing advice, assist, and then be stabbed in the back. I read the same words, did the same things, I reacted in the same ways, I felt the same feelings.  What seemed to be the beginning - or rather start - ended up being the end. I fell into a web of lies, jealousy and lack of love. Call it naivety, stupidity or even yourself.  I never, ever treated someone like that with such disregard. I do not know if that anger and sorrow will pass because i can't judge. And it hurts more than anything else, because i always thought that disappointment is the worst pain and disappointment in friendship that can hurt more that heartbreak. As if I could wait a lot, and barely made half a year and i might consider this friendship coexistence. Once again i am falling. And it would be stupid to let this disappointment take care of everything and stop time. The fact that I learned at great cost, is that the clock is ticking, and perhaps there are even better things to that is not to go back to that place as that may not be the right place. And I'm sure that this time, life will not follow the same path.