Sunday, 20 March 2011
These moments when I wish I had that warmth. That person I can turn to for comfort, advice, and hope. That person who would sit beside me and listen to me ramble on about everything I am feeling without feeling bothered or tired of hearing me. That person who would take my hand and give it a little squeeze of reassurance to tell me they are here for me. That person who would give me the warmest hug I could ever ask for to soothe my pain. I really need that kind of person in my life, which I can trust with all of this drama in my life. Who could stand beside me and offer me strength, comfort, and trust. It is lonely not having anyone to turn to and know that they will be there for me.
Everyone is busy with their own lives and drama and I cannot burden them with mine. My closest friends are far away and talking on the phone is not the answer I seek. I need someone here, present, and strong to be there for me. I need someone I can lean on in moments like this. Sometimes being strong and independent doesn’t work. Sometimes we all need to rely on someone else to be strong for us, and for me I could really use that kind of person in my life. I have so many things I want to say, that are burrowed deep inside of me but there is no one to tell these stories to. So all I can do is write it out, and hope that I will be released even just a little bit from these tormented thoughts.
Saturday, 19 March 2011
People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut’s long gone, the pain still lingers.
The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can’t help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.
Sunday, 20 February 2011
We look at each other wondering what the other is thinking but we never say a thing. The smile on your face lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me. The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall. You say it best when you say nothing at all. But when I look at you my heart skips a beat but later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on something I knew I could never have.
So take a look at me now because there's just an empty space. There's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face. It's a fall that i won't get up from and i hope they were right because this is the first time in a long time that i felt out of place. Invincible? I pretend to be. Vulnerable? That's what I truly am. Happiness? Not a part of my vocabulary. Pain...That's all life has to offer. It sometimes feels like a strange movie, you know, it's all so weird that sometimes I wonder if it is really happening.
Saturday, 19 February 2011
The truth is I do not want to be alone. I am completely dependent and needy. I'm afraid, I’m scared. I'm lost. My body remains same on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, the same way: racing heart, stomach plunging, chest tightness, shortness of breath, lump in throat and brain concentrate on one thing only. Stay nervous all the time, sensitive to the verge of tears, preventing myself to feel happy. I'm so tired but I can't sleep, standing on the edge of something much too deep. Funny how I feel so much but cannot say a word, I am screaming inside but can't be heard.
Wish I did not know what I'm talking about, but unfortunately I know it too well. How many fights at home, waste of opportunities, cold in the stomach, smiles and tears. You end up living two lives, one of the Internet and non-virtual, in the end MSN and Facebook are real, not school nor friends.
Not that i am the best friend to the world, but tried. Tired of doing everything for someone and not having at least consideration in return. Tired of hearing advice, assist, and then be stabbed in the back. I read the same words, did the same things, I reacted in the same ways, I felt the same feelings. What seemed to be the beginning - or rather start - ended up being the end. I fell into a web of lies, jealousy and lack of love. Call it naivety, stupidity or even yourself. I never, ever treated someone like that with such disregard. I do not know if that anger and sorrow will pass because i can't judge. And it hurts more than anything else, because i always thought that disappointment is the worst pain and disappointment in friendship that can hurt more that heartbreak. As if I could wait a lot, and barely made half a year and i might consider this friendship coexistence. Once again i am falling. And it would be stupid to let this disappointment take care of everything and stop time. The fact that I learned at great cost, is that the clock is ticking, and perhaps there are even better things to that is not to go back to that place as that may not be the right place. And I'm sure that this time, life will not follow the same path.